I'm Tired.
Who isn't tired? We all have our own rhymes, our own reasons behind the exhaustions that we face as individuals (As well as a society.) I've been hanging on to too many thoughts, and feelings for far too long. Always saying "I should probably write a blog about that, but who would care to read?" or "What if I people ACTUALLY read it and DON'T LIKE IT OR ME" or... even the fact that I haven't been "busy" in what feels like FOREVER-- am I even relevant? I'm having incredible imposter syndrome over here!!!
I feel the need to clear some air. I have been very actively doing photography in Halifax (and elsewhere in Canada) for approximately 8 years now! Yeah, EIGHT YEARS. *Disclaimer, that I should I have put earlier on* Some of this post may make me sound like a jaded individual. Like a grand-parent shaking their fist at kids on their lawn or that of a cloud... But, I'm so tired of feeling like I need to prove myself constantly. Our city no, our province is small, heavily saturated with photographers and people with cameras. I'll be the first to publicly share that I think it's cliquey as HELL. Find your niche or your people quick, or beware to be eaten alive. I love y'all, but I am struggling to understand why it's gotta be like this. I can feel the tension in the air, between the posts, the small interactions. I have felt it for years.
I have always stood for community over competition, we each have something that we can bring to the table... but it is very few and far between that folks would ever consider the same for me. In fact, some have even treated me as though I am new here or maybe just don't care to give me the time of day. I'm not owed it nor should I shed the energy to care, but it hurts honestly.
Imposter syndrome & the low-key toxic patterns that follow many of the communities online and off around me in my own backyard have caused me to spiral on more than one occasion. Sure, I could blame my Borderline Personality Disorder on this, that it may cause me inability to read many situations but I'm doing a LOT better than I was even 6 months ago. I am shaking even being able to type that and share that. But no, I will not blame illness nor myself for feeling these things for as long as I have.
Growing up, I always found I had difficulties in friendships, relationships and just people in general because of speaking my mind. This isn't some "Tough love, but I'm just a b*tch" type of statement, I was a pretty quiet kid who generally got along with most people (from preps, jocks, nerds to my weirdo pals) throughout high school. The thing was, I was pretty sensitive, and that meant (and still means) that I am very curious and love trying to see things from multiple perspectives of a situation. And I hoped, but couldn't understand when even my own friends could not do the same for me. Folks didn't like that, and still don't. Not much has changed other than the fact that I don't cry and hide at the sign of conflict anymore... Though, I am better with my own words, reactions and boundaries. I stand my ground and I do not apologize for my emotions.
Okay, enough of that. Now for the positive stuff! I have found the more vulnerable, the more honest, and open I am about who I am, why I do the work that I do... People actually do value what I have to say and contribute??? It's sad that I find that shocking. We're all so hard on ourselves, and each other. At the end of the day, remember who your foundational humans are. Feed off that positive energy and give back to them 100x because they matter. Not those folks who doubt you, who are determined to misunderstand you or misconstrue your reality.
Thank you for coming to the deep thoughts of my brain, after writing it, I STILL almost didn't post it. Life's for learning.
Please enjoy these throw backs and revisited edits of the lovely Liv Kate Follow here on IG! https://www.instagram.com/livkatemodels/
